The Lord is my Shepard I shall not be in want.

He is my Sustainer. My Comforter. My loving Father. My best Friend. My Counselor. My Savior. My Refuge. My All. I only get through each day because of who He is. Though my heart and flesh may fail He is my portion forever. When thoughts come and try to take me down, He is the truth that sustains me. When my illness wants to destroy me, He is the One who heals me. I can't help but think of all the lost that are suffering through illness like mine, and even worse. How do they do it? What hopelessness they must feel. My heart breaks for them and longs for them to know the Prince of Peace. I could never get through this without Him. I can't imagine having no one to call on. No one to pray to. No one to rest in. Just knowing that He is in control brings great comfort in the midst of my suffering. Knowing He is allowing this and it serves a better purpose, is all I need to keep fighting.

I know He has been lifting me up and carrying me through this detox. I am amazed at how my body feels. In a lot of ways I haven't felt this good in weeks. I am so thankful for everyone that is praying for me. God is good and I feel that healing is just around the corner.

Climbing yet another mountain

We risked the inch of snow to go to my appointment today, lol. I'm always looking forward to my appointments in hopes that things will be looking up. This last year I walk away from them feeling like we have a new mountain to climb. Not to say the visits aren't positive, for they are, but what we have to do next seems at times too much for me to bear. I know God is faithful and in control. Even though my body is a wreak and my emotions at times are unstable, spiritually I'm healthy. Just wish my body would follow suit.
I see God's hand in this so much. When I stop to think about all He has done and is doing, I can't help but stand in awe. Although my situation hasn't changed physically, spiritually at times I feel I'm soaring. I'm so thankful that He has provided for all our needs and for leading me to an amazing doctor.
I battled fear today as I was sorting through the next step. I have a 10 day detox to get through. My body is fragile at this point and I became nervous about being able to withstand the burden this is going to take on my body. After my Grandma's death my adrenals have been exhausted and the effects of the strep are very apparent. My energy level is non existent, my heart is racing, and the obsessiveness is back. I think that is the hardest. I tried to explain to Zach today how I'm feeling as best I could. It's like the person I am, the wife he knows, is trapped inside this illness. I don't chose to be overwhelmed and obsessive. These ugly traits are symptoms of the strep.
I can so easily get caught up in my own world and feel I'm the only one struggling with a serious health condition. But I'm reminded by the words of my doctor, reminding me there are others going through it and worse off. I want God to use me and my suffering to glorify Him. I know there will come a day when my healing will be complete. I need to focus my eyes. For I live by faith, not by sight.

Most moments I rejoice in my suffering and yet some moments I want it all over with. I know God still has me in His more than capable hand, even when everything in me can't feel it. I struggle with the feeling things won't change or at least soon enough. Tears fell today as I once again recognized I don't have the capabilities I once had. Not that I am angry for what I have lost, just saddened at times I am not the mother or wife I would love to be. I have learned so much the last year and one thing I know is I don't want to keep looking back. I strain to keep the eyes of my heart on Him for that is the only place relief and truth is found. To Him, My Mighty God, be the glory.